It’s been a while since my last post and even longer since my last personal post. I’m not gonna lie, this motherhood thing…not that easy. In fact its one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have hated the fact that I have been so miserable lately because she is so perfect and this is all I ever wanted but the reality of the situation is that we’ve had a lot of struggles. Her PKU, severe colic, acid reflux, terrible tummy bubbles and three month cold on top of the no sleeping thing has about killed me. But let me tell you something, I think the dark days just might be over. I have bought literally every gadget, medicine, homeopathic serum known to man (see list below), though some of them helped, it mostly just came down to time. Having patience is my BIGGEST weakness and learning it through no sleep and fussy baby has been very difficult. Not that she is the perfect child now but the sicknesses have almost disappeared aside from her PKU of course and she is generally happy during the day. She only wakes up 2-3 times a night now and I can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Admitting that I didn’t totally love being a mom was really hard for me in the beginning, I guess I expected to feel so much more fulfilled than I do. The monotony of changing diapers, feeding, consoling a crying baby and then fighting to get them to sleep over and over and over wasn’t doing it for me. It’s not that I didn’t love her and feel a deep bond with her because I truly felt that as soon as I met her and so, of course, it has been worth it. For some women, motherhood is everything they need to be fulfilled and for me, it is a large part but not enough. I realize I am mostly struggling with the transition from doing whatever I want, when I want and being a workaholic to doing nothing all day and feeling trapped inside because of the long winter.

In this severe boredom, I have realized two things about myself, one, that I need love to feel fulfilled. I am a very passionate person and finding someone to love me, (Tyler), and having people to love, (Scarlett and Tyler) has brought a great sense of confidence and joy in my life. But I am also very creative and I feel like it is the essence of my soul, without it, I wouldn’t be me, my mind and growth is expanded by the ideas that I am able to create and I need this every day to be happy. I know I am getting super deep/philosophical but it’s the only way I can explain the outlet that creativity brings to me. Finding the balance has been the real challenge of motherhood. I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably never will but I do know that I appreciate my family, friends and neighbors more than I ever have in my life. The charity they have shown to me as I stumble through this stage in my life has helped me survive when I thought I had died and become a brain dead zombie, and helped me see a new perspective on parenting. God bless the good parents who care enough to stick it out.

Now for the Owlet shoot. As you can see we had a blast with this amazing baby company called Owlet. They captured the essence of our little princess, its moments like these that I want to remember. Video:   CNBC snip

– gripe water
– two acid reflux medications
-doctor brown filter bottles
-tight swaddle
-mylicon drops
-probiotics
-dock-a-tot
-rock and play
-swing
-peppermint water
-lavender oil
-humidifier
-sound machine
-black out curtains
-saline drops in her nose for breathing
-got her adjusted at the chiropractor
-went to the GI specialist at Primary Children’s
-went to the ENT
-did a chest x-ray
-Owlet
-let her cry it out!

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The first trimester was a breeze compared to most women I have heard. I was nauseous all the time but never had to throw up, just needed to eat constantly to not feel sick. My exaustion was insane! I didn’t know I could be a human sloth and stay awake to see it. haha ok that was dumb but these were things no one ever told me about. I didn’t know I would gag at every smell and thought that was remotely stinky or graphic and the crying…oh the crying. I would sob like my dog died for any old reason, or for no reason at all. I thought I was going crazy and it would literally take me out for the whole day if it started. My husband actually recorded a video of my crying on his phone because he thought it was so funny (ya hideous). I had a few migraines which were terrible but even with all of these things, it really wasn’t that bad cause I AM PREGNANT!

Some of the fun things that have been happening are my weird urges to deep clean. I hear this is called the nesting stage and it usually comes near the end but not for me. All of a sudden, week six and I am organizing closets and drawers and starting cleaning projects all over the house. Who doesn’t love when they want to clean, hallelujiah!

I also have been craving funny and healthy foods like smoothies and fruit. I am not a very big sweet person so I don’t eat a ton of fruit, mostly veggies and cheese and savory foods are more my jam but it has been calling my name…with a side of a bean burrito or hot dog (I know, so gross but sooooo good). Milk has also been a big one on my cravings list. I actually haven’t drank milk since High School but I have been drinking about a gallon a week, moo.

Obviously I knew NOTHING about being pregnant, really nothing.

Pregnant women never complained to me about symptoms other than nausea so I had no idea there were other things happening when you grow a tiny human in your body. I think the hardest thing aside from my body changing and well…looking not as sexy as before, is that I am so worried about my little baby. I think about all of the things that can go wrong and half the time I can’t sleep because I am afraid that its heart may not be beating or whatever else that can go wrong will. My husband isn’t worried at all so that is a comfort, can you imagine both of us freaking out about it. I know everything is fine and I am just practicing being a paranoid mom I am so grateful for this opportunity and I cannot wait to find out the sex. You better believe I’m gonna be buying tons of cute stuff! I am doing the gender reveal in the next two weeks so feel free to write your guesses below. Tyler and I think its going to be a boy!!!!

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